Starting Over
by Aria-fic
Summary: After graduating from Hogwarts Harry embarks on a journey of self discovery in which Severus plays a major part. HPSS
1. Friends

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything else to do with Harry Potter. Just the warped storyline added. No profit, no gain, and all that jazz.  
  
Warning: This will turn into HP/SS slash in the next chapter or so and the rating may very well be changed to R.  
  
"I can't believe we just graduated" Hermione whispered as she and her two best friends shared an emotional group hug.  
  
"Yeah mate, after so many years of running away from danger, hexes and madmen out to get you, I'm awfully relieved we've all come out of it alright", Ron added.  
  
Harry looked at his best friends intently and searched for words to tell them how much he valued their friendship, love and support over the past seven years.  
  
"I couldn't have hoped for better friends than you two", began the green- eyed wizard. "Others would have bailed on me over the years, considering the amount of danger being around me has put you guys in. But never you two. You were always there in my corner, always helping me out, even if it meant getting in trouble along the way".  
  
Speaking so honestly about his emotions wasn't the easiest thing for Harry, but he felt a strong urge to share these feelings with the two people he cared about most in the world.  
  
"I'm so glad I chose you over Malfoy back on the Hogwart's Express 7 years ago, Ron. And I'm just as happy we were around to help you out with the mountain troll situation, 'Mione, "Harry grinned at his friends.  
  
They both grinned back at him, and then at one another. Theirs was a special friendship and everyone who knew them acknowledged it. The three were blindly loyal to one another and did their best to be supportive and helpful throughout the various ordeals they'd all dealt with over the years.  
  
They three started making their way back to Gryffindor Tower, to enjoy the post-graduation party with their friends.  
  
They walked in comfortable silence, each of them thinking back on their eventful relationship. Hermione knew she would have had a much more difficult time dealing with her mother's illness back in 6th year, without the attentive aid of Ron and Harry. The two had sat up with her night after night, reading up on Magical remedies for Muggle diseases. They'd even straightened up their act, academically, over the weeks she'd gone home to nurse her mother back to health, so that they'd be able to help her catch up with her studies, upon her return. She had to hand it to them – when they put their minds to it, both managed to take decent notes in class and to understand the material quite admirably.  
  
She glanced at her friends again and sighed, thinking how she'd miss not seeing them every day, from now on.  
  
Ron was also deep in thought, remembering how his friends had always been there to straighten his head out, over the years. He blushed as he thought back on the time he'd been convinced that his feelings for Hermione were of a romantic nature. His friend did not freak out on him or reject him coldly. She merely explained to him that he had misinterpreted his own feelings, and helped him realize he could never jeopordize their close friendship by turning it into a romantic fling. She said they loved one another far too much to take that route. Plus she added that she didn't do threesomes, and since they couldn't very well delete Harry from the equation, it was not going to happen.  
  
For some reason, hearing the clever girl's logic, mixed in with her rare attempt at humor, helped him realize she was right. What they had was too special to risk losing. Besides, he honestly couldn't imagine spending long periods of time in 'Mione's presence, without their other best friend. He knew they both needed Harry there to moderate their fiery tempers. Furthermore, ever since Harry and 'Mione had set him up with Susie (Susan) Bones, he'd been happier than ever.  
  
Thinking of his budding romance with Susie made him blush and giggle happily, which caused his friends to gaze at him with confused expressions on their faces.  
  
"It's nothing" he blurted hastily before either one even asked.  
  
"Right mate" Harry teased. "I bet you weren't thinking up ways to sneak out of the Tower to visit Susie tonight, eh?"  
  
The gangly redhead blushed again, but smiled at his friends.  
  
They reached the Tower and just as Ron said the password to the Fat Lady, Harry jerked back and told his friends he'd be back shortly. He mumbled something about having forgotten to say goodbye to someone, and rushed off in the direction they'd just come from.  
  
The two friends looked at one another in surprise and proceeded to enter their common room.  
  
Harry was engaged in a battle within himself, wondering if he'd really have enough courage to go through what he'd been planning over the past few months. He was going to Severus Snape, his most hated Potions Master's quarters, to say goodbye. He'd played the possible scenarios in his mind over and over again over the past few weeks, and now that the time has arrived, he could only hope for the best.  
  
TBC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Please review – I'd love to hear your opinions so far. 


	2. Extending an Olive Branch

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything else to do with Harry Potter. Just the warped storyline added. No profit, no gain, and all that jazz.  
  
Warning: This will turn into HP/SS slash in the next chapter or so and the rating may very well be changed to R.  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
As Harry neared the dungeons he could feel his nerves sending signals to the pit of his stomach, which in return, sent up waves of nausea to his brain. "This can't be a good sign", he thought as he noticed his hands getting clammy.  
  
He mustered up all the determination he could find and willed the nerves away. He was going to go through with this or he knew he'd always regret it!  
  
At that point he reached the entrance to Snape's quarters. The large wooden door looked as forbidding as the tenant that dwelled within. Harry took a deep breath and knocked hesitantly on the door.  
  
No answer.  
  
He knocked again, more assertively (it's easier to be assertive when you think no one's there to hear you knock), he thought to himself sarcastically.  
  
Within a few seconds the door opened and Severus Snape was standing in front of him, glaring menacingly.  
  
Harry flinched at the sight and gawked at his ex-professor rather stupidly.  
  
"Can I help you?" Snape asked dryly.  
  
"Erm...*cough* I just wa..." Harry began to stutter as his eyes dropped from the Potions Master to the dungeon floor.  
  
"Out with it, Potter. I happen to know that even [b]you[/b] are capable of a tad more eloquence than this sorry display" Snape snapped.  
  
The older wizard's nasty remark managed to bring Harry out of his stupor. He raised his head, glared defiantly at Snape, and tried again:  
  
"May I come in, Sir?" he asked.  
  
If Snape was the least bit surprised by the request, he hid it well. His expression did not change as he opened the door wider and gestured for his ex-student to enter.  
  
Harry walked into what he realized was the sitting room. He stood in place, taking in the décor. The room was large and spacious, furnished with a deep blue sofa and love seat with mustard colored cushions decorating them. In the center of the room stood a beautiful, sturdy looking, dark cherry wood coffee table, stacked with Potions periodicals. One of the walls was stacked with bookshelves, which held copious amounts of books. There was a roaring fire in the hearth, which emanated warmth, making the room appear homey, much to Harry's surprise.  
  
He had always pictured Snape's quarters as being cold, stern, and forbidding, just like the man himself.  
  
Snape watched as Harry studied the room. After a few minutes he cleared his throat in an attempt to get the boy's attention. Harry jumped up and turned to face the Potions Master immediately.  
  
"Well then, Potter, I will ask again. Can I help you?" Snape hissed.  
  
Harry seated himself on the couch and motioned for Snape to sit as well. The man seemed dismayed by the boy's impertinence, but was curious to hear what he wanted. He sat on the love seat and glanced at Harry, waiting for him to reply.  
  
"I've come to say goodbye, Sir", Harry said, as he fixed his gaze on Snape's.  
  
"Have you now?" drawled the Professor.  
  
"Yes. You see, over the past few months I've realized some things about myself, and they led me to look at you differently from the way I had until then" Harry explained.  
  
"Do continue" smirked the older wizard "this is enthralling".  
  
Harry decided to ignore the man's sarcasm and to cut to the chase. He'd only get one opportunity to tell Snape how he felt, he was sure of that.  
  
"I respect you, sir. I no longer think of you as a slimey git who gets his kicks out of harassing me. I just wanted you to know that." Harry said quietly, studying his ex-professor's reaction intently.  
  
Snape seemed unmoved. He sat motionless on the loveseat, still looking directly at Harry. His expression appeared to be unchanged, but Harry could have sworn his gaze was softer, not quite as menacing as before.  
  
An uncomfortable silence ensued, as Harry waited for the older wizard's response.  
  
"I appreciate you coming to tell me this, Potter" Snape finally offered. "I didn't think you could ever surprise me, but that is precisely what you've achieved."  
  
Harry took this reply as a green light and continued to the next step of his plan.  
  
"I'd like to get to know you, sir" Harry added.  
  
"I'm not a child anymore. I've outgrown my childish conceptions of good and evil, black and white. I'd like to re-identify myself, and the world I live in. Of all the people I know, I believe you are the only one who might understand what I'm talking about.  
  
You must know what it feels like to be forced into a persona that has nothing to do with who you really are. I am not Harry Potter, the-bloody- boy-who-lived. I am not the savior of the Wizarding world.  
  
I am just Harry. I want to start over as 'just Harry'."  
  
As he finished his little speech, Harry looked nervously at Snape, hoping the man will understand. Hoping he will see past the scar and into Harry's soul. He [b]needed[/b] Snape to understand.  
  
Several months ago, as the realization that he would be graduating from Hogwarts at the end of the year sank in, Harry had decided that his Potions Master was the only person, aside from Ron and Hermione, who'd ever seen through the Gryffindor Golden Boy façade. He was the only one who treated Harry as Harry. That was what Harry knew he needed. At that moment he decided he'd try and do everything he could to have to older wizard be a part of his new life, after he left Hogwarts.  
  
Snape appeared to be deep in thought after hearing Harry's monolog. He was caught off guard by the young man's confessions and was wondering if he had actually underestimated Potter all these years.  
  
No, he was certain the boy hadn't been this mature and sincere when he was younger. Perhaps Potter had finally grown up. Merlin knows his father took his sweet time maturing, but by the time they'd graduated, he was nothing like the ruthless bully he'd been earlier. It seems the apple did not fall far from the tree, in this case.  
  
Snape looked at Harry Potter for what seemed to be the first time. He allowed the formation of a half a smile and said:  
  
"I can indeed understand your need to search for your true identity, Harry. I admit your situation in life has not been the easiest, but it is time to shed your childish notions and to re-evaluate your beliefs. "Harry smiled back and nodded.  
  
"And of course I am pleased to see you are finally maturing" Snape added with a smirk.  
  
"Thanks Professor. For all you've done for me over the years." Harry said, offering his hand to the man in front of him. Snape shook the younger man's hand and they both stood up and walked towards the door.  
  
"May I owl you, Sir?" Harry asked, hopefully.  
  
"Yes, you may" Snape answered.  
  
"Oh, and Harry?"  
  
"Yes, Sir?"  
  
"You may call me Severus from now on"  
  
And with that comment Harry left Snape's quarters and hurried back to join the festivities at Gryffindor Tower.  
  
TBC  
  
Please review! 


	3. Friendship Means Accepting His Decisions

Starting Over  
  
The Gryffindor Common Room was bustling with very loud Muggle music, as Harry entered quietly. An animated red and gold banner, which read "Congratulations Graduating Class" and featured a rather loud roaring lion hung on the wall. Half eaten Weasley-Wizard-Wheezes treats were lying about everywhere, couples were dancing in the center of the room, and groups of teenagers were huddled in different corners talking, gushing, hugging, and crying.  
  
As soon as he entered, Harry spotted Ron and Hermione conversing excitedly with Ginny and Seamus Finnigan in the far right corner of the room. He crossed the room quickly to join his friends.  
  
"Look what the Cornish Pixie dragged in!" Seamus exclaimed as soon as Harry arrived.  
  
"Hey Harry, where've you been?" Ginny asked beaming.  
  
"Oh, I had a loose end to tie up" answered Harry and quickly added, "So what did I miss?"  
  
"Mate, it was hilarious! Dean convinced Neville to try one of the new Weasley-Wizard-Wheezes Toadish Turkish Delights and he's been croaking and leaping around for the past half hour!"  
  
Seamus burst out laughing, clutching his stomach and snorting butterbeer through his nose.  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes in disgust at Seamus' antics and continued,  
  
"We've been talking about our plans for the future, Harry. It seems some of us aren't quite certain we've made the right choice".  
  
"Not sure about becoming an Auror anymore?" Harry directed his question at Ron.  
  
"Oy, not me, mate" Ron replied quickly. "Seems 'Mione here is torn about which University to choose".  
  
"Um, I thought you'd already decided" Harry turned to face his friend. "You said Cambridge had the best Wizard-Muggle Relations program in the country!"  
  
Hermione's expression grew somber and she squirmed slightly before answering,  
  
"It is, but I'm not sure about being so far away from you guys. I mean, if I'm living in Cambridge, chances are we won't get to see one another all that often. Apparating back and forth from Cambridge to London isn't something I'll be able to do on a daily basis".  
  
Harry and Ron exchanged a meaningful glance before Ron spoke up,  
  
"And as I've tried explaining, we would be just as happy to visit her in Cambridge or to meet her halfway. It's not the end of the world 'Mione, and you know you want to study there!"  
  
"You know he's right" Harry added in a serious tone. "You can't change your plans for fear of losing us. It's not as if that would ever happen, anyway. Ron and I promise to do whatever we can to ensure that our friendship remains just as strong as it has always been, as long as you promise not to give up on your dream".  
  
Hermione's eyes welled up with tears and she drew her friends into a tight embrace,  
  
"I guess I'm just being a silly emotional girl! Thanks guys. You're the best!"  
  
Ginny and Seamus had meandered off by then, so the Trio was left alone.  
  
"What about you, Harry?" Hermione asked with a glint of concern in her eye. "Have you made any decisions about your future?"  
  
Harry cringed at the thought of sharing his decision with his friends, fearing they might not quite see things the way he does, or possibly think he'd gone completely bonkers.  
  
"I'm not going to University, for now" he said, while shuffling his feet nervously. "I'm going to take some time off and stay at Grimmauld Place. Try to figure things out, get my head together."  
  
"What about the Quidditch offers?" Ron asked.  
  
"Nah, Quidditch is a hobby, not a profession. Besides, I need some time to think things through. I feel I'm at a fork in the road, what with Voldemort being gone and my so-called destiny having been fulfilled. I need to re- evaluate some things before I decide which direction to take in life".  
  
The three stood in silence for a moment, before Harry felt Hermione's hand gently lacing through his own, as she said,  
  
"I think that's a wise decision, Harry."  
  
Ron nodded at him encouragingly and added  
  
"Merlin knows you deserve some time off, after playing hide-and-seek with You-Know-Who for the past seven years".  
  
At that moment Harry let out a relieved breath he didn't know he'd been holding in. His friends' reaction to this decision had been worrying him for weeks. He thought they might be disappointed by his wish to allow himself a period of grace before choosing which path to pursue.  
  
Encouraged by his friends' acceptance, he ventured further and told them of his desire to befriend their former Potions Master.  
  
"I've learned to see him for what he truly is, over the past few months" Harry explained. "He's a brave man who was dragged into a bad situation and did what had to do in order to survive. He reminds me a lot of myself, actually"  
  
At hearing his friend's last sentence Ron cringed and said with great dismay,  
  
"Far from it, Harry. Snape is a mean, bitter man who shows no mercy or kindness to innocent students. How on earth can you even compare the two of you?"  
  
"I think", Hermione interjected, "that what Harry means is that both he and Professor Snape had to play a part that was far from their true nature, in order to survive the war. They were forced into these artificial roles not only for their own survival, but for that of the entire Wizarding world".  
  
Harry gave the clever girl a grateful smile. He knew Hermione would see things logically.  
  
"Look mate, I'm not saying he's Mr. Nice Guy. I haven't forgotten all the times he'd gone out of his way to embarrass me over the years. It's just that I now realize that was just a front; a mask he was wearing to cover up his role as a spy for the Light.  
  
I guess I'm drawn to him for some reason.  
  
You don't have to understand it, Ron, just try to accept my decision."  
  
Ron was about to retort when he caught Hermione's meaningful glare, which quite obviously meant "leave him be"! Ron shrugged, turned to face Harry and muttered "Alright Harry, if that's the way you want it. I just hope the greasy git doesn't end up hurting you".  
  
Now that he'd finally told his best friends the secrets he'd been holding in for weeks, Harry decided it was time for them to loosen up and party with the rest of their housemates.  
  
He offered Ron and 'Mione his most dazzling smile and asked if they'd like to join him on the dance floor, for old times sake.  
  
The three made their way to the center of the room and joined their friends in the festivities, which lasted until the early hours of the morning.  
  
TBC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~  
  
Please review! I'd love any kind of feedback. 


	4. Really long chapter in which Harry conta...

A huge bunch of thanks to those who have reviewed! I'm hoping this story becomes a bit more popular as I post new chapters...be sure to tell all your friends about it! (  
  
Silver tear: As my first reviewer, you deserve an extra dose of gratitude! I'm glad you like my story.  
  
Idril.tinuviel – I'm glad you like it so far. Harry and Severus' relationship will develop gradually. I don't like rushing things because such fics strike me as very far-fetched.  
  
Cassa-Andra – *blush* I'm so flattered! I hope you enjoy this chapter!  
  
Cat Samwise – Thank you. I hope you enjoy the rest as well.  
  
Demon – Heh, as my non-cooperative beta, it's safe to say you'll be reading it all in the near future!  
  
REW – Here's more! Hope you like it!  
  
Sarina – I'm with you on both counts. Try reading my first story, Homecoming. It also features a post-Hogwarts Harry and Sev pairing.  
  
Reviews are so important when writing a lengthy fic! I'd appreciate it if all those who read this would share their opinions (criticism is just as important)! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Two weeks later found Harry tumbling out of his four-poster bed in the master bedroom at Grimmauld Place, rubbing his eyes after a night of tossing and turning, topped off by a series of hellish nightmares. This routine had become the young wizard's habitual nocturnal pattern of late.  
  
A full fortnight had passed since his return to the house he'd inherited from his godfather, during which he'd occupied himself with little other than trying to rest, reading Quidditch magazines, and enjoying an occasional meal with Ron, Hermione, and their families.  
  
As he dressed while contemplating ways to spend his day, his eyes wandered to the desk near his bed, where he noticed the half finished letter he'd begun composing just before turning in, the night before.  
  
The letter had fled his mind until that very moment so he sat down to reread the product of his fatigue.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dear Severus,  
  
I hope this letter finds you well.  
  
During our last encounter, I forgot to ask where and how you planned to spend your summer. I hope you will forgive my lack of manners, but to my defense, I was brought up by brute-muggles. (hehehe)  
  
So I hope you are enjoying yourself, wherever you may be.  
  
I have been back here, at Grimmauld Place since I left Hogwarts. It feels so strange to live in this house without Sirius and Remus, not to mention that it no longer serves as the Order of the Phoenix's headquarters.  
  
Don't get me wrong, I'm very pleased that there is no longer a need for such headquarters, but living in this house brings back so many memories of the past. It's just difficult to be here, I guess.  
  
I don't know, maybe I should just pack up and leave. What do you think? Where would I go? Does a place where the name Harry Potter wouldn't ring any bells even exist?  
  
My mind feels numb. I can't think, I can't make plans. It takes me half the day just to figure out what to cook for dinner, can you believe it?  
  
I guess your constant remarks about my minimal cognitive abilities were right on the mark!  
  
After all, I decided to take this time off to think, clear my head, and decide who I am and what I want out of life, but so far all I've been doing is sulking.  
  
I hate sulking.  
  
You hate it when I sulk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
* * * *  
  
* Merlin's beard! I sound like a depressed teenager! * Harry thought to himself. * I can't send him such a pathetic letter. He'd change his mind about owling with me in a second! *  
  
But instead of starting the letter from scratch, Harry decided to continue from where he left off. He felt being completely honest with Severus about his current state of mind was the best thing to do, even if it meant coming off a bit childish, at first. Perhaps Severus would appreciate it more if he knew Harry was aware of his shortcomings and was battling them directly.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I'm sorry. I just reread the letter and must admit I am very unhappy with it, so far.  
  
I don't want to continue feeling sorry for myself. I need to start focusing on productive ways to move forward, rather than wrestle with my past demons. I know perfectly well that fixating on the past will only lead to my self-destruction, but lately that's all I seem to be doing. The past creeps up on me whenever I am alone, which is most of the time.  
  
I have a feeling you know what I'm talking about, don't you, Severus?  
  
It is our teachers' responsibility to guide and direct us, isn't it? Will you agree to resume the role of my teacher for this purpose? Will you answer the questions that might help bring me some peace?  
  
How do I make the images disappear? How do I close my eyes at night without hearing the screams of the victims, the shrilling laughter of a madman? How do I continue believing in myself while constantly being reminded of the dreadful crimes I've committed in the name of the Light?  
  
I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm sulking and feeling sorry for myself. It should please you to know I'm smacking myself for it!  
  
I'll let you in on a little secret. Remember how I said I wanted to start over as 'Just Harry'? Well, Hermione reckons the first step to achieving a complete identity makeover would be to get a physical one. We're going clothes shopping followed by an appointment at the hairdressers tomorrow.  
  
Who knows, maybe the next time you see me I won't look like the boy-who- lived anymore! Wouldn't that be a relief!!!  
  
I guess that's it for now. I don't want to take up too much of your time with my endless rambling. I hope this letter won't make you change your mind about owling me.  
  
I would be honored if you were to write me back. Even if it's just to tell me you are well and that I'm still a dunderhead.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Just Harry  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry folded the parchment, attached it to Hedwig's leg and sent her off in search of Severus Snape. He wondered if he'd hear back from Severus. He really hoped he would.  
  
The next morning Harry and Hermione met at The Leaky Cauldron, bright and early. Hermione had made up a list of shops in Muggle London and in Diagon Ally that they were to visit throughout the day; complete with a timetable stating how much time they could spend in each shop. Harry rolled his eyes playfully and teased his friend about her knack for turning even a simple shopping spree into well-organized mission.  
  
Their first stop was Kings Road, in Muggle London. Harry had decided he wanted to own several elegant clothing articles, so Hermione led him to some of the posh shops in the area. The young witch and wizard spent several hours browsing and shopping so that by lunchtime they found themselves heading back towards Diagon Ally with a dozen shrunken bags carrying the new clothes Harry had picked out.  
  
They decided they had enough time to stop for lunch at "Magical Meals", a new diner that had recently opened in Diagon Ally, before heading off to Madam Malkin's for some new robes. Harry's appointment at "Lloyd's Lovely Locks" wasn't until 3:30 PM, so they still had about two hours to spare.  
  
Over lunch Hermione broached he subject of dating. It seems she'd met an interesting wizard named Jason the week before, during her orientation day at Cambridge University. Harry was thrilled by his friend's excitement as she told him all about her new love interest. Jason was about to start his second year at Cambridge, in the Advanced Spell Breaking program. He was handsome, kind, and funny, according to Hermione. The two had been owling twice a day, over the past week, and were supposed to meet for dinner that very evening.  
  
"What about you?" Hermione asked with a glimmer in her eyes, as she finally stopped gushing about Jason.  
  
Harry winced and twiddled the straw in his soft drink. "No thanks. I'd rather find myself before finding someone else to worry about".  
  
"Oh Harry," the brown-eyed witch sighed. "I wish you'd just lighten up a bit! You're such a wonderful guy. I hate seeing you so broody".  
  
Harry chuckled at hearing his friend's gentle reprimand. "I know you mean well, 'Mione, but I'm so screwed up at the moment that I'd be way too much hassle for anyone to bother with.  
  
Besides," he added wistfully, "there are only three people in the world who really understand me. And two of them are off-limits".  
  
Hermione gave him a sad but genuine smile "You're talking about Professor Snape, aren't you?"  
  
"I know it probably sounds odd, but he's the only one who's been through it. He's the only one who knows how shitty it feels".  
  
Hermione placed her hand on Harry's in a comforting way and spoke softly,  
  
"I wish I could help you, Harry. You know I'd do anything to make it all better. What you need is someone to talk to, someone to confide in. Ron and I love you dearly, but sometimes even your closest friends can't really grasp all the emotions you must be dealing with.  
  
If Professor Snape is the one you need to get through this, I have no qualms with that. The only thing that matters is that you find a way to heal."  
  
Harry put his arm around his best friend, kissed her cheek, and thanked her.  
  
After their emotional heart-to-heart, the pair left the diner and made their way to Madam Malkin's.  
  
Harry decided to splurge on custom made midnight blue silk robes, with delicate silver trimming on the edge. Hermione ogled her handsome friend appreciatively as he tried on different styles, before choosing his favorite. He ordered a tight-fitted robe that wrapped around his broad chest snugly and fell gracefully to his ankles. He also bought several simpler, casual robes in a variety of colors, and they headed off to the hairdressers.  
  
Lloyd's Lovely Locks happened to be the hottest salon in Diagon Ally, or so Hermione claimed. She'd never admit this to Harry, but the only reason they managed to squeeze the pair of them in on such short notice (she'd booked the appointment as soon as they left Hogwarts) is that she explained the appointment was being made for a Mr. Harry James Potter, aka savior of the Wizarding world.  
  
Harry was accustomed to the VIP treatment he received at Lovely Locks, but he discreetly asked Lloyd to refrain from referring to him as Mr. Potter so as not to attract an even bigger crowd than they already had.  
  
The two friends were treated immediately upon their arrival and within 90 minutes they found themselves staring at one another in surprise. Hermione had decided to get her bushy brown curls cut stylishly, for once. She wanted to make a good impression on Jason, so she opted for a mid-neck length cut with golden highlights and uneven bangs.  
  
The new look suited her and Harry couldn't help but be impressed by his friend's transformation from a bookish goody-two-shoes to a sophisticated and very pretty witch!  
  
Harry, on the other hand, got his hair cut short. He agreed with Lloyd, who claimed his unmanageable hair would never cooperate, so unless he was willing to spend about 30 minutes each morning styling his hair, his best bet was to get a very short yet trendy cut that wouldn't enable his hair to misbehave.  
  
Harry's new look was very sleek and elegant. His short black hair framed his oval shaped face nicely and complemented his skin tone.  
  
As the happy pair left the salon, Harry turned to Hermione and said:  
  
"The only things left are my glasses and this damn scar. What are we going to do about them?"  
  
The pretty witch concentrated for a moment before offering her reply:  
  
"Regarding your glasses, you've got several options, Harry. The first is to replace them with a nicer, smaller, more distinguished pair. Mind you, most people would still recognize you with a different pair of glasses.  
  
The second option is to get fitted for magical contact lenses. I've heard wonderful things about them and you can leave them in for up to a year.  
  
Lastly, you could go to an Opto-Wizard and get your eyesight magically enhanced. It's a relatively new procedure so there aren't quite enough studies to show its long term effects, but I know several wizards and witches who've had it done and are quite pleased".  
  
The young witch paused for a moment, furrowed her brow in concentration, and added, "as for the scar we know from your past experimentations that it is immune to magic and therefore cannot be hidden by a glamour charm, but what about Muggle solutions? You've never thought of trying them out, have you?" she inquired.  
  
Harry shook his head.  
  
"You could cover it up using make up, but that might be a bit inconvenient, since make up fades and you'd have to reapply it every single day. But there might be a better way...Have you ever considered getting it surgically removed?"  
  
"You mean plastic surgery?" Harry seemed shocked by the idea.  
  
"It's perfectly acceptable to remove scars surgically, in the Muggle world, Harry" Hermione reasoned.  
  
"Yeah, I guess" Harry mumbled. "I'll think about it", he added quietly.  
  
Harry decided to go with the magical contact lenses, for now, and decide on what to do with his scar later. They stopped at "Your Inner and Outer Eye" before heading home.  
  
That evening, as Harry was organizing his newly acquired clothes in his wardrobe, he heard a faint knock on his bedroom window. He opened the window to allow in a beautiful spectacled owl that extended its foot for Harry to grab the letter attached.  
  
The young wizard eyed the letter hopefully, wondering if there was a chance that Severus had actually replied this quickly. He chastised himself for allowing his hopes to rise, and opened he letter cautiously, while eyeing the unfamiliar owl.  
  
He couldn't help but grin as he noticed the neat calligraphic handwriting of his former Potions Master.  
  
TBC  
  
Please review!!! Your input would be invaluable for finishing up the next few chapters! 


	5. Escaping the Demons

Thanks to all those who have reviewed! 

As anyone who's ever posted a story here knows, having your story reviewed is the best feeling in the world. I am very grateful to all those who have reviewed so far. I hope you'll continue doing so…

It's so easy to lose momentum and motivation when writing a lengthy fic.

A huge bunch of thanks to: **REW, Cassa-Andra, lillinfields, Cloudburst2000, Ruth, Fuzzy-Bumpkins, Lady Darkness13, Silver tear.**

**idril.tinuviel:** Don't worry, Harry isn't so sure about getting rid of his scar, either. As for the letters, they are just the first stage of interaction between Harry and Severus. There's lots more to look forward to! In regard to the cliffhanger, I didn't realize I'd done it until I got your review! Sorry!

**Corgi1:** Thank you so much for reviewing. You are definitely one of my favorite writers so it really is an honor. I plan to allow them to get to know one another better before jumping into bed (though that sounds awfully enticing too, hehehe). I hope I don't end up rushing things. Your constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.

**MustIBeAMalfoy:** Thanks for the tip on italics and bold fonts! And I'm honored you've added me to your favorites!

______________________________________________________________________________________________

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Starting Over 

**Chapter 5:**

Dear Harry,

Seven years of grading your abysmal Potions essays have made me accustomed to your, for lack of a better word, unrefined writing style.

Keeping that in mind, the dreadfully erratic sentence structure displayed in your letter intermixed with the myriad of topics addressed, clearly indicates that you are in dire need of direction.

Your conscience seems to be battling waves of guilt, self-pity, and confusion while simultaneously berating you for being affected by your past.

Mr. Potter, such behavior is certain to provide you with some insight as to how a Muggle punching bag must feel.

Succumbing to self-pity is one thing, whereas acknowledging it as a legitimate, albeit destructive human reaction is quite another.

Indeed you were correct in your assumption that I dislike the childish pastime known as sulking, however the way to overcome your demons, as you so aptly named them, is not by burying them so deep that they cannot be retrieved. 

As you may have guessed, this is precisely the method I employed during my younger years to assuage the guilt and disgust brought forth by my actions as a Death Eater.

I will allow you to deduct your own conclusions from my personal admission. 

Suffice it to say that those who care about you would, undoubtedly, be disappointed if you were to choose to follow the path of a social pariah such as your former Potions Professor.

Your entire life has been carefully shaped and molded by strong authority figures, who wronged you by dictating your beliefs, choices, and goals in life. In doing so, they robbed you of your abilities to observe the world in which you live and draw your own conclusions. 

Unlike your schoolmates, whose insignificance to the 'cause' enabled them the liberty to define their character by embracing that which appealed to them while discarding of the rest, you were never afforded such a luxury. 

One might say you've grown into a hollow shell of the person you have the potential to be.

Regardless of what you may believe, my intention in saying this is not to spite you. On the contrary, over the years of our acquaintance I have repeatedly attempted to crack the pristine world view Albus and the others tried to impart on you. That which you misconstrued as hatred was merely my way of teaching you how to think for yourself.

Perhaps it seemed cruel and unfair at the time, but if you are asking for my advice now, I dare say it must have been somewhat successful.

My suggestion to you, Harry, is to immerse yourself in introspection and face those demons, which inhibit your personal growth. If you feel the need to do so on neutral ground, by all means, leave, travel, explore! Sever the debilitating childhood connections, which inhibit you from evolving into the man you can become. 

As for Ms. Granger's physical amendments to your person, they are but cosmetic. Do not be fooled into believing a new haircut will whitewash your soul. 

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

* * * * * * * *

Harry reread the letter 3 times to make sure he understood Snape's advice properly. 

Snape was almost nice, in the letter. He didn't put Harry down, nor did he chastise him for being a self-indulgent brat. Instead he confided in Harry about his own emotions. He may not have outright apologized for the way he'd treated Harry at school, but he damn well felt the need to justify his behavior. This was quite perplexing for Harry, as he truly believed Snape had had it in for him because of some childish grudge against his father or inter-house rivalry.

***And to think, all this time he was the one trying to get through to me! He was the one being brutally honest, rather than sugarcoating the situation and scheming behind my back, like a certain headmaster I recall** * Harry reasoned.

His recently discovered respect and admiration for Snape continued to rise. 

***It's strange that I can speak to him so openly about my fears and insecurities. I rarely even discuss such things with Ron and Hermione, unless they force the subject*** 

Harry was lost in his thoughts as the flames in the fireplace began to rustle. Suddenly Ron's mop of red hair appeared in the flames as Ron's eyes searched the room for his friend.

Harry awoke from his daze and rushed towards the fire. 

"Hey Ron, what's up?" He asked, flashing the wizard a smile.

"Oh there you are. Mum wants to know if you'd like to pop in for dinner, tomorrow evening, mate" Ron replied.

Harry accepted the invitation automatically and continued conversing with his friend for a while. They discussed Ron's upcoming Auror training, his deepening relationship with Susie, and how tired he was of living with his parents and siblings.

Harry thought he might have been hinting at receiving an invitation to stay at Grimmauld Place, but since he wasn't sure how long he'd be staying, he pretended not to catch his mate's drift.

When the firecall ended, Harry decided to call it a night. 

Just before crawling underneath the warm covers, he picked up Severus Snape's letter, folded it neatly and placed it under his pillow. 

* * * * * * * *

Harry spent the next day thinking over the remaining steps needed in order to leave celebrity behind him. There was his famous scar of course. He'd yet to consider the options Hermione had recently offered him.

As attractive as the idea of getting the lightening bolt shaped scar permanently removed was, something still held him back. It's true that the scar represented his link to Voldemort and his role as Champion of the Light, but it also symbolized his bond with his mother who had died while shielding him with her own body. The scar was a symbol of her love and devotion, and that wasn't something he could readily dispose of.

He decided to go with Muggle make-up, for the time being. That way he could put off making a decision regarding cosmetic surgery until he felt ready.

Another idea had been nagging at him lately. If he truly wanted to sever his connection to the "Harry Potter" celebrity persona, a wise move might be to legally change his name. After all, he recalled a famous Muggle playwright that once wrote: 

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose  
By any other name would smell as sweet"*

He'd already chosen a new name to go by, which would maintain has familial link to his parents, whom he did not wish to disrespect. 

It was a good thing he was having dinner at the Weasleys tonight. He was certain Arthur Weasley could help him change his name legally at the Ministry while keeping the whole thing under wraps. 

Once he'd get that out of the way, he'd decide what to do with Number 12 Grimmauld Place, and where to go from here.

* * * * * * * *

It was 7 pm when Harry apparated to the Burrow, carrying a bottle of Ogden's for his hosts. The vivacious Weasley clan could be heard talking and laughing before he even entered the house. This brought on the usual twinge of envy that Harry would try to fight back, whenever he witnessed the warmth and safety radiating from the close-knit family he'd never had. 

Harry scolded himself for being a prat and knocked on the front door. Within seconds Ginny swung the door open, smiling warmly at Harry and asking him to enter. The young witch had grown into a beautiful young woman with long auburn hair and deeply expressive eyes. She gave Harry a sisterly peck on the cheek as he sauntered into the room. 

The rest of the Weasleys present greeted him with hugs or amicable pats on the back, while saying how great it was to see him again.

Harry couldn't help but smile at his surrogate family who offered him so much love and kindness without expecting a thing in return.

Harry offered Molly Weasley the bottle of firewhiskey and joined the rest of the family at the dinner table. The meal was delicious, as always, and Harry enjoyed himself a great deal. There was nothing like spending an evening with the boisterous Weasley family to brighten up his mood. 

After dinner, Harry asked Ron and Arthur if he could have a private word with them in Arthur's den. The father and son led the way and cast a silencing charm around the room once the door was closed. They got the impression Harry wanted to discuss something personal with them, so privacy would be appreciated.

Arthur Weasley's den resembled a Muggle artifact storage room kept in constant disarray. Model ships and airplanes alongside a large globe adorned the wooden desk that stood against the wall. Bits and pieces of a disassembled computer lay on a rectangular table in the center of the room. Several Muggle board games were lying around on the floor next to a rather impressive collection of batteries in different shapes and sizes. An old bicycle with flat tires stood upside down behind the table and several kitchen appliances were scattered around.

Harry squeezed himself between the bicycle and the microwave, and sat down on a large beanbag. Ron leaned to rest against the table holding the computer, and Arthur sat on the swivel chair behind the wooden desk.

"So what's up, mate?" Ron asked curiously.

"Ron, Mr. Weasley, I was hoping you two might be able to help me with a bureaucratic procedure I need taken care of with the Ministry of Magic." Harry replied.

Arthur swiveled playfully on his chair, barely containing his childlike excitement at the wondrous contraption, as he faced Harry. 

"What procedure are we talking about here, Harry?"

The dark haired wizard glanced at Mr. Weasley and replied in a neutral tone:

"I've decided to officially change my name."

Ron gasped and Mr. Weasley shook his head and tutted disapprovingly. 

"That's quite a drastic measure, Harry. Why would you want to do such a thing?" Mr. Weasley implored.

"I've given this plenty of thought, Sir, and I feel it's the right thing to do. I'm sick and tired of the baggage that goes along with being Harry Potter. I want to start over with a brand new name that no one will recognize."

"I guess that's also why you cut your hair so short?" Ron inquired.

Harry nodded and turned to face his friend.

"'Mione gave me a makeover. She understands that I need the freedom to be whomever I choose, with no strings attached to the Harry Potter icon people want to see." 

Harry turned back to Mr. Weasley and continued:

"I feel as if I'm trapped inside a marionette, with Professor Dumbledore, Voldemort, Minister Fudge, and a few others holding the strings. Well, Voldemort is gone now and Professor Dumbledore no longer controls my life. All I am asking for is a fresh start in life. I want to shed my celebrity status and make my own way in life.

I strongly feel that changing my name would help me achieve this goal, Mr. Weasley.

Will you please help me?"

Ron and Mr. Weasley snuck a quick glance at one another, eyes meeting for a flash of a second, before they both turned back to Harry.

"It sounds as if this was not a hasty decision, on your part, Harry. I respect your ability to make your own choices, which is why I will not try to change your mind, even though I disagree with this course of action."

Harry nodded at his friend's father and thanked him.

"What can I do to help?" added Mr. Weasley.

"Well Sir, I would like for the name change to be as confidential as possible. I don't want the press finding out since that would defeat the entire purpose, wouldn't it?

I was hoping you'd be able to rush the paperwork through, being a Department Head at the Ministry, and that you could make sure that as few as possible at the Ministry know about this."

Mr. Weasley seemed to be considering this for a moment, before he said:

"That sounds simple enough. I have a few friends in the Ministry Registry who owe me a few favors. If you're certain this is what you want, I will help you, Harry."

The green-eyed wizard smiled happily at Mr. Weasley and thanked him again.

"So what's your new name going to be, Harry?" Ron asked as he moved closer to his friend.

Harry looked up at his friend and answered sheepishly "Harrison James Evans."

TBC

* Quoted from "Romeo and Juliet", William Shakespeare.

Please please please review!!! I'd _absolutely love_ to know what you think, so far! 


	6. Taking the First Step

_Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I loved your reviews – even the ones that criticized what I've done. I love hearing what you think, though I hope you will understand, in later chapters, why Harry needs to do some of the things he's doing at this stage._

_An extra dose of gratitude goes to Corgi1, nerd-girl and Mara-Jade-Potter for offering constructive criticism. These three are great writers so I will definitely take their input to heart!_

_(oh, and nerd-girl: I don't live in London but I've spent about 2 months there this past year. I seem to remember King's Road as being a posh area of Chelsea, but I could very well be wrong. And I definitely did not mean King's Cross)._

**AN:** As for those of you who felt I had changed Harry too much (the name change proved to be very unpopular), I understand your sentiment and promise to appease you in later chapters. Harry is battling his past right now and his actions are the product of his emotional state. 

That's all I'll say about it, at this stage. Stay tuned to find out more…:)

* * * * * *

Starting Over 

**Chapter 6:**

True to his word, Arthur Weasley expedited the name change process and within 3 short days Harry was sporting brand new identification papers.

The new name and appearance had helped cheer him up for a short while, but the melancholy that had become his constant companion throughout the past year didn't truly ease up. He still felt suffocated and lost, especially when he was left alone with his thoughts.

Severus' letter had given him quite a bit to ponder over. He'd tried replying on several occasions, but couldn't find the right words to say. He found it increasingly difficult to put his thoughts and emotions to paper.

* * * * * *

The previous evening Ron, Susie and Hermione had visited. The mood had been light and relaxed and Harry especially enjoyed cracking remarks about Ron and his girlfriend's lovesick expressions, which caused the young couple to blush profusely, while Hermione giggled on the sideline. Harry found solace and comfort in spending time with his close friends. These were the hours he cherished and drew strength from when the memories and guilt haunted him.

Harry was pleasantly surprised that Hermione did not move to leave when Ron and Susie did. Instead, she comfortably lounged on the living room couch as she waited for him to return from seeing his guests to the front door. 

"You look like the Cheshire cat" Harry chuckled as he strode back into the room and noticed his best friend's smug grin.

"What a Muggle expression!" Hermione humorously scolded him. "Surely you realize Lewis Caroll was merely recollecting his experiences as a Muggle in the Magical world, when he wrote 'Through the Looking Glass', Harry. The Cheshire cat was no more than a wizard in his animagus form!"

Harry waved his hand at his friend jovially and laughed, "only you, my dear 'Mione would throw an educational speech my way for uttering such an innocent statement! It's what makes you so wonderfully you." He gently nudged the indignant witch to the side as he joined her on the couch with a deep sigh.

"So how was your date with Jason" Harry asked curiously.

Hermione's face turned a deep red as she lowered her gaze and began playing with a loose strand of hair.

"We had a great time, thanks." She replied.

"Come on, I want details! What did you do? Where did you go? Did he kiss you goodnight?" He badgered the girl playfully.

Hermione seemed to compose herself and flashed a grin in Harry's direction. She straightened up, turned to face him, and began:

"As you know my parent's house isn't connected to the floo network, and since he'd never been to my house before, he couldn't apparate there, so we agreed to meet in Diagon Alley. He was already there when I arrived. Oh Harry, I nearly died! I'd forgotten how handsome he was!!! And he's such a gentleman too…he gave me a single long stem red rose and everything! We had an incredibly romantic dinner at 'Sorcery Cuisine'. We must have talked for over 3 hours because they practically had to shoo us out at closing time! Then I apparated us back to my front door, where we said goodnight." The young witch was beaming with excitement as she smiled at her friend.

"I'm so happy for you, 'Mione" Harry said as he took her hand in his. 

"If anyone deserves to find love and happiness, it's you" he added quietly, as he turned his gaze towards the rustling fireplace.

"You deserve that too, Harry" Hermione replied, placing her palm on his cheek and gently turning his face towards her own. 

"You deserve to find peace. I can tell by the bags under your eyes that you aren't sleeping." Harry tried to interrupt, but she wouldn't allow it. "And don't you dare lie to me about this, Harry! You cannot exist on tri-weekly visits from Ron and me." 

Harry looked into his friend's sad pleading eyes and bit his lower lip nervously. Hermione had a way of digging deep down into the darkest part of his soul and exposing it for what it was. He knew he wasn't strong enough to endure one of her probes, this evening.

After a few silent moments, Harry slouched forward in his seat, avoiding eye contact with his friend, and mumbled, almost inaudibly: "I don't know how to let go of the pain." 

Overwhelmed by his sudden admission of helplessness, Hermione scooped Harry into her arms and held him tightly, allowing his head to rest on her shoulder, as the tormented wizard broke down. He cried for a long time, tears streaming down his face as his friend tried to soothe him with comforting words of love while rocking him gently in her warm embrace. After a long hour his sobs turned into sniffles and he withdrew from her touch.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall apart on you" Harry said guiltily.

"Nonsense, Harry. I'm glad I was here. You needed to let it all out. It's been building up for months now! You've been through so much, it's no wonder you're having such a hard time moving on. For seven years you were trained to battle the world's darkest wizard. That was an extremely stressful situation to be thrown into and you handled it admirably." 

By now Hermione had risen from the couch and was pacing agitatedly in front of him. 

"Then you succeeded in fulfilling the prophecy and actually brought the bastard down, and people still had nothing but demands and requests from you. No one took the time to find out how this had affected you. None of them realized you might have to deal with the backlash of the ordeal." 

She stood in place and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"People are not only ungrateful but also very insensitive and unthinking! I'm still shocked by the fact that Professor Dumbledore sent you back to your regular classes, as if nothing happened, two days after the final battle! 

Harry, you have every reason to be hurt and confused. In fact, I'd be questioning your sanity, had this not affected you so deeply." 

Upon completing her tangent, the clever girl sat back down beside her friend.

Harry snuck a lopsided glance at Hermione.

"You're wrong, 'Mione. " He muttered under his breath. "One person did care…"

The young witch's eyes widened in surprise.

"Professor Snape?"

Harry nodded sluggishly. 

"He carried me back from the field, even though he was injured too. I don't remember much of the final battle, but I do know it was his shield that broke Voldemort's 'lethal injection' curse: his brillant creation of a toxic potion that could be administered invisibly through a simple curse. He'd created it for the sole purpose of wiping me out, but Severus saved me, as usual." Harry said bitterly.

"That's the first time I've heard you say anything about the final battle, Harry." Hermione stated. 

"I can't escape from it in my nightmares so I try to avoid thinking about it while I'm awake" Harry shrugged.

Hermione furrowed her brow in concentration and Harry could almost see the wheels in her brain turning.

"I think you should speak to someone who can help you deal with all of this. A professional." She sat beside him and gave him a piercing look.

"I've thought long and hard about this and have finally figured out a way to do it, Harry. You obviously can't see a regular Muggle psychiatrist, since they'd have you in a straightjacket within minutes, if you told them you're the savior of the Wizarding world. Problem is that the Wizarding world doesn't offer an equivalent to a shrink. 

I've been wondering what to do about this for a while and all along the answer was under my nose! 

Do you remember meeting my aunt Helen at graduation?"

Harry nodded in confusion.

"Well, aunt Helen happens to be a psychiatrist. She's a Muggle of course, but she knows all about me being a witch and about recent events that occurred in the Wizarding world. Mum and aunt Helen are very close so we've been completely open and honest with her about everything." 

Harry was carefully considering Hermione's suggestion. He knew he needed help. He was wilting away, just like Severus had said in his letter. He needed someone to help guide him through this phase because it was quite obvious that he wasn't succeeding on his own.

He wondered what Severus would think about this idea. He'd write and ask for his opinion. 

On second thought, he will not leave the choices in the hands of others. Severus does not want to make decisions _for_ him. He's not Dumbledore.

"That sounds like a good idea, 'Mione" Harry said as he lifted his gaze and looked into her brown eyes.

"When can you speak to her about it?"

Hermione beamed and said "Well, actually, I've already ran the idea by her. She is eager to start the counseling sessions."

"How'd you know I'd agree, 'Mione?" Harry asked curiously.

"I knew you must have some sense in you, to have picked me as a friend!" She replied with a mischievous grin.

* * * * * 

The next day Harry finally finished his letter to Snape.

_Dear Severus,_

_I was very happy to receive your owl. _

_I apologize for not having replied sooner, but if you knew how many parchments I've tossed aside, unhappy with what I'd written, you'd realize it wasn't for lack of trying._

_Your letter was very honest and I thank you for that. There have been far too few people in my life who have been so straightforward with me. In fact, I can only think of three others: Ron, Hermione, and Sirius._

_The rest have usually tried to manipulate me into fitting in with their particular agenda._

_I agree with what you said about how I never got a chance to sharpen my observation skills. I want very much to change that. I intend to make up for the past years and to find my own path in life._

_The most important thing for me is to be true to myself. In order to do that, I need to first find out who I truly am._

_I've decided to take some action in order to do this. The first course of action I will be taking is to leave Grimmauld Place. I've rented a small cottage in Oxfordshire, where I will be staying for a while. I didn't pick this destination randomly, though._

_Hermione's aunt lives there. She's a psychiatrist. That means she's a Muggle doctor trained to counsel and treat mental disorders. As far as I know, there's no equivalent to this field in our world._

_I'm going to be working with her for a while, in hopes that she will help guide me in the right direction. You'll be pleased to know that the brunt of the work will be on my shoulders if I am to make any true progress. A psychiatrist can help a person through his problems with use of counseling and medication, but the person has to be willing to heal. The person must be motivated and sincere in his desire to get past the obstacles that inhibit him._

_I am motivated and my desire is great._

_I want to find the strength to overcome the nightmares of my past. I desperately want to start my new life, sooner rather than later._

_Once I accomplish that, I hope I'll get the chance to introduce you to the new and improved Harry Potter, or rather, Harrison James Evans!_

_You see, Severus? I never wanted the fame, the fortune, or the strings attached to the name Harry Potter. I don't want his past, his pain, or his problems._

_I want to be me. Harry. Squeaky clean and untarnished. No scars – external or internal._

_Ron and the rest of the Weasleys can't really understand this. They think I'm running away from the truth. They've gone as far as to call it an act of weakness or cowardice._

_I can't quite get them to understand that it's an act of self-discovery. It's a conscious need to get acquainted with myself without the dark shadows of the past looming above. I hope you see this. It's very important to me that you understand my motives._

_Wow, never thought you'd get an owl from Harry Potter telling you he cares what you think of him, did you?_

_I do though. More than Ron and the Weasleys, even._

_Yours,_

_Harrison 'Harry' Evans_

* * * * * *

After sending Hedwig off with the letter, Harry began to pack. He was excited about embarking on this new stage in life. He was going on a long, eye-opening journey from which he had very high hopes. He was done moping about in this bleak house that held so many painful memories and moving to the country where he'd be surrounded by fresh air, sunshine, and the freedom to whatever he wanted.

Harrison James Evans was leaving the nest…

TBC 

* * * * * *

Please review – I'd absolutely love to know what you think!

I'm also in dire need of a beta reader. I'm afraid my sentence structure is rather imperfect and would love some help in that department, so if anyone's willing – I'd **REALLY** appreciate it!


	7. Revelations at Dalton Cottage

A huge bunch of thanks to **crazy-lil-nae-nae**, **Filodea**, **Corgi1**, **Sylvia Sylverton**, **Mara-Jade-Potter**, **Ariestar**, **Luna_Kat04**, and last but not least **nerd-girl**.

**Filodea**: I majored in Psychology in Uni, which is why this story is pretty Psyche-oriented. I'm glad you liked my definition. 

I'm a bit bummed about getting so few reviews, but it just makes me more appreciative of the ones I do get. Thank you guys for letting me know you're enjoying my story. I'm putting my heart and soul into it, so your reviews mean the world to me!

Regarding my request for a beta, thanks to those who offered. I really appreciate it. I have been incredibly busy these past two weeks, meaning I only found time to write this chapter over these past two days and I was too eager to post it to actually send it to a beta first. Hehe, patience is a virtue I have yet to acquire. 

But hopefully I'll be able to take you up on your offer starting next chapter. :)

* * * * *

Chapter 7 

It didn't take Harry long to settle in at Dalton Cottage.

He found the place charming with its sunny porch, beautiful garden and rustic décor. It also proved to be very convenient that the proprietor, Mick Dalton happened to be a wizard, which meant the lovely stone fireplace was connected to the floo network.

He'd already had Hermione and her aunt over for dinner, the night before, so as to get better acquainted with his new therapist. Dr. Helen Armstrong was a distinguished looking woman of about 40. Her light brown hair was pulled back into a neat bun, though she admitted that when she let it down it was every bit as frizzy as her niece's. She was a petite woman with warm brown eyes and a very laid- back air about her. When she walked, she seemed to float, and her movements struck Harry as being very graceful, almost as if she were dancing. Dr. Armstrong's voice was melodious and soft, yet powerful. Harry liked her from the start.

They decided to start off with four extensive therapy sessions a week. Harry wished to completely immerse himself in this process so as to progress at the fastest rate possible and to reclaim his life. Dr. Armstrong agreed to come by the cottage where they would be free of disturbances. The cottage had a spacious study, which would be adequate for the sessions. Harry was advised to stay out of this room for the rest of the week, so as to set a distinct border between the hours he spent receiving treatment and the time he spent to himself.

The first session was an introductory one. It lasted a little under four hours, during which Harry spoke of his life as he remembered it; starting with his childhood at the Dursleys, through receiving his Hogwarts letter, entering the Wizarding world and discovering the role he was destined to play, and ending with his annual collisions with Voldemort which peaked several months earlier. 

Harry spoke in great detail of the people he had met along the way, who had impacted his life for the better or for the worse. He spoke lovingly of Hermione, Ron, the Weasleys, Sirius, and Hagrid. As for Albus Dumbledore, the confused young man's feelings were far more complex and ambivalent. Dumbledore was the greatest wizard of his time who represented the side of Light and did all he could to protect Harry as well as to train him to beat Voldemort. Nevertheless, Dumbledore was also sneaky and calculating and he constantly withheld important information from Harry over the years. Information Harry believed he had earned the right to know considering it centered mostly on him. Furthermore, Dumbledore seemed awfully nice and caring on the surface, but over the years the golden boy had been disappointed to learn that the old man cared more about Harry Potter, the wizard who was destined to beat Voldemort than Harry Potter, the person. This realization had hurt the young wizard deeply and had made him keep his distance from his former mentor. 

Last but not least, Harry spoke of Severus. 

He recalled the animosity that had defined their relationship from the very start. He spoke of Severus' harsh exterior, his cold demeanor, and his foul tactics as a teacher. He remembered the Trio's never-ending attempts to reveal Snape's devotion to the dark side, back when they were younger. Side by side stood Snape's severe treatment of them including his desire to expel Harry from Hogwarts.

Harry retold this with a measure of nostalgia. He seemed somehow detached from these memories, almost as if he was retelling a story he'd once been told. 

"I couldn't have been more wrong about Severus. I was blinded by appearances, but to my defense, I was just a kid. I was incapable of digging under the surface and exposing the truth, back then," Harry said regretfully, as his gaze dropped to the floor.

He then explained the change of heart he'd had in regard to his Potions Professor. He described the numerous times the older wizard had risked his own life just to save Harry's. He went on and on about the man's bravery and devotion that had steered the light side to victory, thanks to his role as a spy. 

He spoke of Severus; the man he had caught a few glimpses of, when he allowed his dichotomous division of the world around him to drop long enough. He saw Severus as a sad, solitary man who had known plenty of hardships and disappointments in life. A man who devoted his life to the redemption of his soul for an error of judgment made in his youth. 

He wanted to get closer to Severus, to get to know him better. He wanted to be near him, to be the one to unlock the Potions Master's heart and introduce joy, laughter, and light into his life.

* * * * *

By the end of the first session Harry was exhausted. He had spent almost four hours concentrating on his memories and emotions, all of which were very taxing. Though Dr. Armstrong herself had barely spoken, he nevertheless felt he'd begun the healing process. He'd taken the first step by facing his past directly, rather than hiding the negative parts in the cupboard under the stairs – the same place he'd banished Sirius' death to. The place he tried to avoid most of his life. 

The session had exposed some interesting revelations for Harry. During his emotional outpour, he had realized that though he was still very angry with Albus, deep down inside, he still loved and respected the man. With everything that had happened between the two, he knew he had to accept that Albus had always been a rock in his life, and not one he was ready to cast aside. Certainly, Albus had his faults, just like every other human being. But was it fair to judge him so harshly and to expect him to be perfect? Wasn't that precisely what Harry was trying to escape in his own life? His biggest fear, after all, was letting down all those who counted and depended on him. Didn't Albus deserve some understanding and compassion from Harry, in return for his warmth and protection through the years? 

An even more surprising revelation came in the form of Harry's newly discovered feelings for Severus Snape. It wasn't just admiration he held for the brave wizard. It wasn't just friendship or guidance he was after. Oh no, Harry knew now that he would never be happy without Severus by his side, as his partner. He couldn't pinpoint the exact time when his feelings had taken a romantic turn, but it was perfectly clear to him that he had no intention of fighting them. Severus was what his heart desired and he was going to do everything in his power to attain him.

* * * * *

After Dr. Armstrong left, promising to return two days later, Harry decided to take a nap. The long therapy session had tired him out and he passed out the second his head hit the pillow. He slept through the afternoon and woke up at dusk.

Dusk was Harry's favorite part of the day. He loved taking long walks while watching the remains of the day melt away, leaving the skies darker, more mysterious, vulnerable, and uncertain. Some people defined themselves as 'morning people', while Harry saw himself as a 'dusk person'. He was in his element during this brief interval in time. Just like Harry, this transitional phase was hard to define; belonging neither to the day nor the night. A lone interlude gracing the world with its unique beauty. Many people tend to take dusk for granted, never stopping to enjoy what it offers: a moment to rest, to relax, to detach oneself from the mundane routine and to focus on that which is fleeting and untouchable. 

Yes, Harry loved the dusk. That is precisely why he dressed in an old pair of sweat pants and t-shirt as fast as he could and left through the back door, to take a long walk and enjoy it.

Harry was pleased to discover Dalton Cottage was located in the countryside. He'd never really had a chance to travel, so this was a new experience for him, and one he found most relaxing. The scenery was breathtaking and he made a mental note to revisit this trail in the daylight, so as to discover that which the setting sun might not allow him to view this time around. The young wizard was thinking about none other than his former Potions Professor, as he continued following a marked trail leading from the back yard of Dalton cottage, to a lovely pasture filled with beautiful flowers. The grass was fresh and rich, the flowers in an array of scintillating colors, all which further added to Harry's enjoyment

. 

As he hiked, the young man played possible scenarios in his mind, regarding his decision to actively pursue Severus. He knew the older man wouldn't come around easily and that he'd have to form a meticulously planned strategy, if he were to be successful in his endeavor. 

Harry was so far away in his thoughts that he didn't notice the shadow of the person approaching him. He was so immersed in his fantasy, that it took him a moment to realize the seductive drawl he was hearing wasn't merely a figment of his imagination.

"I wouldn't want any renegade Death Eater to find you like this, Harry. Alone, defenseless, and in what appears to be the midst of a most satisfying daydream".

Harry gasped in shock as he was awoken from his trance, only to find the object of his daydream glaring at him.

"Severus?" Harry mumbled, finding the whole situation very surreal.

"I am, yet again, astounded by your powers of observation" Severus replied sardonically, but his tone was soft and teasing. He was standing in front of Harry, dressed in a light summer robe – black, of course.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked, closing his gaping mouth.

"I happen to live here, Harry. You see the large monstrosity of a house behind the moor? Severus pointed at a large mansion Harry had yet to notice, standing at the edge of the trail he was on.

The shocked wizard nodded dumbly.

"That's my family home. I usually spend my summers and vacations from Hogwarts there."

Snape appeared to be clam and composed. It seemed that bumping into Harry, of all people, so close to his family home did not surprise him in the least.

"I've rented Dalton Cottage, right over there" Harry explained, pointing to the small cottage, which could barely be seen.

"I am well aware of that, Harry." Snape's voice seemed so seductive. Harry was having trouble making out the words being spoken.

"Mick Dalton and I grew up together. I knew he'd rented the place out to you before receiving your latest owl. I recommended you as a tenant, in fact."

Harry was flabbergasted. Severus was standing in front of him, in the flesh, explaining that they were now next-door-neighbors, so to speak. Not only that, but Severus did not seem to mind their newly established proximity, he may have even engineered it himself!

Harry was confused, but happy. Very happy. 

Could it be that Severus might harbor similar feelings for him? Was it even possible? Were things going to go his way, for once? 

Earlier today he had decided to do anything needed in order to win Severus over, but deep down, he had hoped it wouldn't be a difficult feat to achieve. To be honest, Harry was tired of fighting. He had fought Voldemort until recently. He'd fought for the Light, for Dumbledore, for Ron and Hermione. He'd fought for his parents' memory. But he was sick and tired of fighting. All he wanted now was peace and quiet, maybe a little love and understanding as well.

Was he crazy to think Severus might also be feeling something along those lines?

TBC

* * * * *

If you liked it, even a little, **please let me know**.

If you disliked it, even a little, **please let me know** (politely with explanations as to what you disliked)

If you have any thoughts or impressions regarding my story**, please, please, please let me know**!****


	8. Snape Castle

WOW!!! I got loads of reviews!!! *does the happy dance*

Thank you so much: **Mara-Jade-Potter **(great review,as always)**, Corgi1, REW, asdf, Ookami Kage, yue, Cliffe **(I'm glad I've redeemed myself, hehe)**, Jasey, idril.tinuviel, Pilas, toamanda, MoonysGurl, velda, tina, sassygirl, **and** Ariestar.**

The more reviews I get, the more incentive I have to keep writing, which is precisely why I'm posting another chapter just 3 days after posting the previous one. 

AN: This chapter just happened. I didn't plan it this way at all. I have an outline for the story and I'm trying to write according to it, but this particular chapter took me into unchartered territory since the ideas just struck me as I was writing.

I hope you enjoy it.

* * * * * 

**Chapter 8:**

"You are welcome to join me for dinner, if you so desire"

Severus' out of character invitation didn't sink in immediately. Perhaps being so close to the object of his desire was affecting him, or perhaps he'd been too deep in thought, but Harry merely gawked at Severus questioningly, as if the Potions Master were speaking a foreign language.

Severus glared amusedly at the younger man before him, sensing his confusion,

"It seems Harrison Evans shares Harry Potter's unfortunate lack of mental abilities" he sneered.

"Wha? Nah, I err" Harry mumbled, his face turning beet-red. Severus still had the ability to make him feel like a fool. Harry was about to spout a rebuttal in his own defense when he caught the warmth in his former Professor's gaze. He then realized the man was just teasing him, perhaps testing him, even.

He would gain so much more by not rising to the bait, and simply letting the insult remain unanswered.

Realizing this, Harry grinned at Severus, looked him straight in the eye, and replied sweetly: "Thank you for the kind invitation, Severus. I'd love to join you for dinner".

The two men walked in the direction of Severus' home in companionable silence. Their strides appeared to be synchronized – neither having to lag behind or to rush ahead in order to keep up with the other. Had a stranger been watching, he would undoubtedly think they were old companions who felt perfectly at ease in one another's presence.

As they neared the mansion, Harry took in the overwhelming view. This wasn't a house; it was an old medieval castle, complete with drawbridge and moat. As they came even closer, he noticed the castle appeared to be completely symmetrical – two identical towers were erected on top and the exact same number of gables decorated each wing of the castle. The young wizard was mesmerized by the castle's curious mirror imaged architecture and asked Severus if there was a reason behind it.

"Indeed" came the cool reply. "The Snapes have long since married for pedigree or money. Love and affection never entered the equation. This habit brought forth the reasoning behind the distinct architecture of Snape Castle. When a woman was approached in regard to a marriage bond with a Snape, she was promised a wing in the castle identical to that of her husband. Snape marriage bonds are renowned for their fairness and equality: both parties enjoy their seclusion and solitude. Both may continue to lead their individual lives as they see fit, so long as, for appearances sake, they remain together and produce heirs. The East wing has traditionally belonged to Snape men, whereas the West Wing was built to house their wives".

Harry's eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets. He couldn't contain his amazement at what he'd just been told.

"What about the children?" he insisted. "Do they live with the mother or the father?"

Severus' expression remained blank as he replied, "there is a special area in the middle section of the castle where the children and house elves take residence. This arrangement is useful for keeping pests and disturbances out of the parents' way". 

Harry noticed he'd lagged behind from the sheer shock of Severus' last statements. He jogged hurriedly to keep up with Severus, all the while thinking how Hermione would have reacted to what he'd just been told. House elves and children certainly didn't seem to count for much in the Snape household…

By now they were facing the rather immense front door to the Castle. Severus whispered a password, which unlocked it, and a house elf dressed in a butler uniform opened it for them. 

"Good Evening, Master Severus", said the elf in a deep voice. Far deeper than that of any house elf Harry had ever come across.

"Good Evening, Ishmael. I trust dinner has been prepared?"

"Certainly, Master Severus. It will be served instantly in the dining hall."

"Very good" Severus motioned for Harry to follow him as he led the way..

"Wow, Severus. I've never seen such a posh house elf before" Harry tried to joke.

"All Snape house elves receive extensive training in etiquette, table manners, language, and other useful skills. We breed them to be the best: hardworking, obedient, yet proud."

Again Harry found himself shaking his head at Severus' remark. Snape's cold exterior and superior attitude were beginning to make a lot more sense to him with every passing moment.

The dining hall was very stern and cold in appearance. An exceptionally long and narrow rectangular cherry wood dining table stood in the middle, with two places set at either end. The dishes were beautiful off-white porcelain with a delicate soft-pink and golden design adorning the rim. The crystal glasses sparkled and the silverware was sterling silver. Everything appeared to be expensive and in impeccable taste.

The two sat at opposite ends of the table and dinner was served by two house elves dressed as French maids (Harry learned their names were Magali and Solange).

Just as one might expect, the meal was exquisite. Harry'd never had so many courses in one meal before: clam chowder for starters followed by succulent shrimp and mussles in a tangy tomato sauce. The main course consisted of tender venison steak with a cream sauce and garlic mashed potatoes. The feast ended with a rich tiramisu that simply made Harry's tongue dance in delight. 

The only thing that bothered him throughout the meal was the feeling that he was dining alone. Severus was sitting at the far end of the table and they did not converse at all during the meal. This arrangement did not appeal to Harry in the least.

Once they were served coffee Harry decided enough was enough. He rose from his seat, waved his hand lightly and muttered a spell. The chair began floating from its original location down to Severus' side of the table, landing softly at his right (Albus' insistence on having him master wandless magic kept proving itself as a wise decision). Harry picked up his coffee cup and sauntered over to his chair. 

Severus raised a questioning eyebrow but then sighed in acceptance of Harry's action.

"Plagued by loneliness, I presume?" he sneered.

Harry plopped in his seat unceremoniously, rolled his eyes playfully at his host and replied "I thought you invited me to dine _with you_, not _in the same room with you_".

Severus remained silent for a moment while gazing blankly at Harry before whispering: "I imagine Snape Castle etiquette could do with an upgrade at this point".

This comment awarded Severus Harry's award-winning smile and the two discussed the past few weeks of their lives over coffee.

After finishing their coffee the pair retired to the sitting room, where Severus treated them both to a nice strong glass of brandy. They lit a magical fire in the fireplace and continued their amicable conversation while sitting comfortably on the antique Victorian sofa. 

During the conversation Harry learned that Oxford University's Magical Wing had offered Severus a very tempting research position. He had been offered the position of Chief Potions Researcher, which would enable him to choose whether to work from home or in the state of the art laboratories at the University itself. He'd be researching and inventing new groundbreaking potions with the greatest Potion Masters in the country.

It seems that his fame for being the inventor of the counter-potion for Voldemort's "Invisible Lethal Injection Potion" (used against Harry in the final battle) had opened new opportunities for him and he was now facing some difficult decisions.

Harry found Severus very easy to talk to. He was still as prickly and sarcastic as ever, and he constantly whipped out razor sharp remarks laced with superiority and cynicism, but when they weren't meant to belittle Harry, he found them quite enjoyable and even humorous. Severus was definitely an interesting, knowledgeable man who, much to Harry's surprise, possessed a wonderfully witty and dark sense of humor. 

By the time Harry rose to return home it was already 2 am. Both men were caught off guard by how quickly the hours had passed and how much they'd enjoyed the evening. Before stepping into the fireplace and flooing back to his cottage Harry tried to think up an excuse or a reason to set up another 'date' with Severus. He was perceptive enough to realize the direct approach might scare the older wizard away, so he decided to take things at a slower pace. After all, he wasn't certain he was ready to proceed quickly himself. He had just begun therapy and jumping head first into a romantic entanglement without having the necessary mental resources at bay could end up costing him his chance with Severus. That was a risk he was not willing to take. 

"I don't have a therapy session planned for tomorrow, meaning I pretty much have the whole day to myself." Harry said, warily. 

"I thought I might go into town, restock on food and stuff, tomorrow morning," he added hesitantly.

When Severus showed no signs of responding, Harry flushed before managing to croak: "Do you think you might want to, erm, I mean if you're not doing anything that is, err, join me, maybe?"

_*Gee that was brilliant, Evans!*_ Harry berated himself silently while blushing profusely.

Severus' expression was unreadable as he faced Harry and replied "I have quite a few things planned for tomorrow, so I must decline your eloquent invitation."

Disappointment kicked in and Harry felt almost as if he'd been punched in the gut. 

"But" Severus added in a softer tone, "I believe I will have time for another stroll at dusk". 

Harry grinned at him happily, realizing he had not been rejected as of yet. He was going to take another walk with Severus tomorrow, and possibly the next day, and the next…

* * * * *

Over the next few weeks Harry and Severus eased into a comfortable routine of enjoying a relaxing stroll together at dusk and spending the rest of the evening together having dinner and chatting, usually at Snape Castle, though every once in a while Harry would insist on cooking dinner himself at Dalton Cottage. 

Harry was also making progress with Dr. Armstrong in their therapy sessions, which continued as planned. They began by dealing with Harry's abused childhood and the loss of both parents as a toddler. The Dursleys may not be Harry's favorite people on earth, but they certainly hurt him deeply, considering they were his primary caregivers during the most crucial part of his childhood. The mental and physical abuse he suffered at their hands had scarred him considerably, and with Dr. Armstrong's guidance, he was learning how to let go of his anger, shame, and pain and by doing so, allowing their hold on him to weaken.

Hermione and Ron had dropped by a few times. They had brought sweets to cheer their friend up, but were surprised to find him refreshed and cheerful. Since neither one had a clue as to the true reason behind this drastic change in his mood, they accredited it to the therapy he was undergoing. 

The therapy was undoubtedly helping Harry move forward and accept things that had happened in his life, but it was a difficult process that exerted quite a bit of energy from the young wizard.

There was no question in his mind that he owed his newfound joy and optimism to his friend Severus, who was helping him heal by simply being there for him.

Severus never pried into Harry's life. He never judged or criticized Harry's decisions. Severus seemed to understand that Harry needed to do things at his own pace. He needed to try different aspects of his personality on for size, and to select those in which he felt most comfortable. In fact, Harry had never felt so accepted as he did with Severus. Not even when he was with his surrogate family, the Weasleys. He loved them all deeply and was grateful for their love and support, but he always felt he stuck out like a sore thumb with the temperamental red heads. 

Things were different when he was with Severus. It was almost as if the two had created a little world of their own. 

The two men shared a bond through their loneliness and battle scars - two things neither the Weasleys nor Hermione could ever truly understand.

TBC

* * * * *

The more reviews I get, the quicker the next chapter will be posted… 

Reviews are my muse! :)


	9. Going Under

Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers! You make me so happy!!!

I wanted to mention each and every one of you, but ffnet is experiencing heavy traffic and it won't let me check the review pages, so I'm terribly sorry and promise to mention you all in the next chapter (after you review this one as well)! :)

A huge bunch of thanks goes to the wonderful and talented **Mara-Jade-Potter**. She's been helping me sort through some ideas for this story and thanks to her, I've returned to my original plotline, which I hope you are enjoying.

Go read her story, **Diaspora Xenitia**! It's really good!

**_AN:_** Lots of angst and a bit of fluff in this chapter for your reading pleasure!

**_Warnings:_** HP/SS slash

**Chapter 9:**

Harry's therapy sessions with Dr. Armstrong were beginning to take their toll on the young wizard. The psychiatrist's methods, though extremely efficient, were also quite taxing on Harry's mind and body. Over the past few weeks they'd begun hypnotherapy, in an attempt to re-examine Harry's emotions and issues during his first year at Hogwarts. This was a crucial turning point in the young man's life when all the responsibilities and expectations the Wizarding community had thrust upon him were revealed. 

It was not an easy transition for a timid, abused orphan to discover not only that he was a wizard, but that he was, in fact, the revered hero of the magical world he never knew existed. He was not offered a period of grace in which to adjust to his new title or situation in life, and though he loved his new life at Hogwarts, which had rescued him from his horrible home-life, it was quite a drastic change from anything he'd known until then.

Dr. Armstrong had recommended getting to the bottom of Harry's issues through the use of Regression Therapy: contemporary uses of regression therapy focus on having the patient go back to the cause of an event which is negatively impacting their life in the present. By having the patient re-experience the trauma emotional release may be achieved. Harry's therapist thought this therapeutic device could be useful for dealing with his acceptance of his destiny as savior of the Wizarding world, as well as with the cause of his nightmares – his annual collisions with Voldemort.

The sessions were draining Harry's strength and he was finding it hard to focus on other things, even after Dr. Armstrong would leave. Little by little, the young wizard began distancing himself from others and retreating into his own private world while obsessing on his painful memories. 

At first he managed to cover up his relapse into solitude by offering Severus random excuses for calling off their daily strolls. 

Convincing Ron and Hermione not to visit proved difficult, but the resourceful wizard came up with plausible reasons, often incorporating his Dr.'s so-called orders into the mix, for good measure.

After accepting Harry's waffling for several weeks, Severus decided something must be wrong. The friendship he and Harry built had given them both something to look forward to during their lonely days, and he couldn't imagine Harry simply growing tired of him so abruptly. 

So one sunny day Severus Snape marched over to Dalton Cottage in order to check up on Harry. He was intent on finding out the reason behind Harry's withdrawal. 

He knocked on the door and waited to be let in. 

Nothing. Zilch.

He knocked again, wondering what could be keeping his friend.

Still no reply.

After spending a few moments contemplating his options: to return to his home and firecall Harry later that day, or to barge in and make sure the young man hadn't managed to get himself in a bind of some sort, Severus naturally picked the latter recourse.

A rather complex unlocking charm was needed to break through Harry's door, but he managed to do so, easily. He rushed in, trying to ignore the negative vibes he was getting from the whole strange situation. 

At first it appeared as if the place had been burgled. Clothes were scattered around the living room, the sink was overflowing with dirty dishes, and Harry seemed to be MIA. 

Severus pinched his nose haughtily muttering random cuss words under his breath, not quite understanding how a wizard could live in such a pigsty. After all, it wouldn't take much more than a few cleaning spells to have the place spic and span with a quick flick of the wand. 

Severus cast the needed spells, if only to rid the place of the foul stench it had acquired over the weeks, and made his way to Harry's bedroom. He rapped on the door tentatively, not wishing to invade the young man's privacy further than needed.

Once again, he found himself facing a shut door and receiving no response to his knocking. Severus opened the door slowly and was immediately struck by the sight before him.

The large French windows were bolted shut and the shades were drawn. The room was pitch dark and on the large king sized bed was a small figure curled up in a foetal position, humming softly to himself.

Severus stared at the troubled wizard for a moment before whispering softly: 

"Harry?"

The figure on the bed didn't move, nor did it cease its humming. 

Severus approached the bed and scooted beside Harry gently, not wishing to scare the boy.

"Harry? Can you hear me?" he tried again, placing a comforting hand on Harry's shaky arm.

The young man froze momentarily and quieted down, as if he felt cornered by someone he feared. But then his eyes became focused again and he tilted his head back to see the person sitting beside him. A flash of recognition passed through his features for a slight second, and was quickly replaced by a look of shame and embarrassment.

Harry remained curled up on his bed as he tore his gaze off of Severus and whispered quietly: "Would you please leave? I don't want you to see me this way".

Severus' heart broke when he heard this. It was evident that the young man thought he would judge or ridicule him for his behavior. Seeing his friend so agitated and hurt was difficult for Severus and he wanted nothing but to help Harry overcome his fear and pain. He wanted to be there by his side when he finally became the man Severus knew he was going to be. 

In fact, over the weeks Harry had severed ties with him, the potions master had realized his feelings for Harry ran much deeper than he had been willing to admit. The boy made him smile. He made him feel alive again. During the evenings they spent together Severus had felt more comfortable and relaxed than he could ever remember. As if he had a true companion to pass his days with. It was an unfamiliar feeling for a man who'd lived in solitude his entire life, be it by chance or by choice. Harry managed to worm his way into Severus' heavily guarded heart, and there was no way in hell he was about to give up on him!

"I am staying right here, Harry. I refuse to desert you in your time of need."

This was the exact thing Harry had been yearning to hear his entire life. He could think of no one who'd ever stood by him when he needed them most: his parents died when he was a mere toddler, leaving him to fend for himself with his hateful relatives, Ron and Hermione had lives of their own to lead and couldn't be expected to baby sit him whenever he suffered a breakdown. Sirius had been a fugitive on the run in the short time he and Harry had together, and Albus had manipulated his golden boy one too many times for Harry to ever feel he could completely rely on the old man.

But here was Severus; a wonderfully brave, loyal, honest, no sugarcoating, sarcastically witty, strong man, who was vowing to remain at his side during this ordeal.

Harry looked up at his friend with hopeful, questioning eyes, as if trying to size him up and decide whether he could afford to trust his generous, oh-so-appealing offer. 

Severus met Harry's gaze with reassurance and what he hoped the young man would interpret as warmth. 

Before either one could fully register what was happening, Harry snuggled closer to Severus and wrapped his arms around the older man, placing his head against Severus' broad chest.

The two men remained in this position for a good 15 minutes, before Severus relaxed his hold on Harry and said:

"I will fix us some tea. Get dressed, open the window, and join me in the living room."

Moments later Severus carried a pot of steaming tea to the living room and offered Harry a cup. They were seated side by side on the sofa, both sipping their drinks, and avoiding one another's gaze.

Then Severus cleared his throat and asked:

"Since when has this been going on?"

Harry bit his lower lip nervously and replied:

"The slump began about a month ago, when Dr. Armstrong began the hypnotherapy. See, she's trying to make me relive crucial events in my past, which caused the conflicts and issues we are now trying to resolve."

Severus nodded.

"Yes, that's about the time you started fabricating nonsensical excuses for not spending your evenings with me."

Harry blushed and dropped his gaze to the floor, but Severus continued:

"Doesn't that muggle Dr. realize the affect it's been having on you?"

The young man never lifted his eyes as he said:

"Well, hmmm, actually, she was kind of called away on an emergency a little over a week ago. I promised her I'd take the antidepressants she prescribed."

Severus folded his arms in front of his chest and gave Harry a piercing look,

"And…?"

"And I haven't been taking them." Harry admitted, still staring intently at a spec of dust on the living room floor.

"They made me drowsy and groggy. Besides, you always said muggle medication should only be digested if there were no other means available, since it is highly addictive." 

Severus snickered at hearing Harry's attempt at reason.

"You aren't, by any chance, trying to dodge responsibility for your imbecilic behavior, are you, Mr. Evans?"

Harry offered Severus a lopsided grin (the first he'd managed in days) and shrugged exaggeratedly.

Severus' next action shocked both men, as he took Harry's hand, held it tightly in his own, and said:

"Listen Harry, you came here to heal and that is precisely what I expect you to be doing. It was a big step for you to have begun the therapy process and you yourself explained to me, on numerous occasions, that there may be setbacks in your progress. However, you must not give up on yourself, and I assure you I will not either."

Harry's emerald eyes sparkled with relief and happiness as he gazed into his former professor's suddenly expressive ebony eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Severus cared for him. He truly cared about Harry's well being!

He nodded gratefully at Severus and nudged closer so he could lean into his touch.

"I will wait for you to heal properly, Harry." 

The last sentence was uttered as if in a daze. Severus must have spaced out for a minute, and Harry wasn't certain he'd meant to say that out loud.

But since he did, it made Harry wonder what that enigmatic sentence implied. 

What was Severus waiting for? Why does he want me to heal so badly? Could he be offering to wait until I'm ready to deepen our relationship? After all, he'd gotten awfully touchy-feely in his old age, if today was anything to go by…

Just as Severus' eyes focused back on him, Harry mumbled softly: 

"I'll try to hurry up for you, Sev."

TBC 

****

**This story is really difficult to write since it's so intense and I don't want to mess up with the psychotherapy process. **

**That's why your reviews are even more important than ever!!!**

**Thanks**


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